You know what would be nice? A break would be nice.
"From what?" you say. "You live a charmed life if there ever was one!"
I'm so conflicted right now I don't know how I would answer. I might break into tears and tell you that you're right, that's why I feel so guilty about being bored and jaded. I might don a vague expression and tell you that there's no such thing as a charmed life, and ask you what you meant to accomplish by posing such an obviously flawed question with only relative meaning. I would probably just glare at you though, mumbling a quiet "fucker," as I walk away, because the truth is that at this point I wouldn't even have the inclination to dignify your comment, and I'm experientially motivated to label you a poser if you're on this campus. The thing is, I will never feel guilty, and your question just shot down any semblance of originality I may have initially thought you possessed. If you're not offering me a change of venue, I don't want to hear it. The countdown to winter break started around November 29th.
Fortunately, the number of days on my dashboard countdown widget has reached the single-digits, and I have started keeping track based on the length of my to-do list. As always, I have enough to accomplish before break that I have no time to count in idle days, but instead must schedule nearly every moment with a task. Contrary to popular belief, this does NOT make the days move by any faster. Ideally, I would sleep until next Wednesday, waking up only when I have my seat belt securely fastened and am watching some meth-addicted stewardess mechanically hand out what (apparently) passes for a "snack."
I am looking forward to the next month. Obviously exciting events aside (Christmas, New Year's Eve, weekend excursions, lots of wholly satisfying sex), I have a lot to look forward to. I'm eagerly anticipating not yielding to my parents' wishes in the least, and instead living exactly like I do here--I'm not proclaiming a revolution, I'm just not going to go to bed when they hint their disapproval at 10 pm, or answer "what time will you be home?" with anything other than a shrug and a smile. I miss them, but it has become clear to everyone involved that I will not be returning "home" for any extended length of time, nor am I pining for security and restriction once more. Is it terrible that when I think of going home the first things that come to mind are my cat and my queen-sized bed?
I'm also eager to solidify things with Eric, at least in my mind, and give him a positive send-off. I now have no problem believing that the "we" the two of us have created can survive being apart for 4 months, but I want to make sure we have the tools needed to prevent doubt from making a physical rift into a mental one. My motivation level for that endeavor is high--it's no chore, especially how I plan on accomplishing it. It may be true that I'm over-analyzing my time there and being too deterministic about things, but I know I will be happier if I have a (flexible) goal in mind.
That happiness is essential to cultivate because it would be terrible to make Eric feel regret at leaving me--I know what it is to be torn between two places and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Well, maybe I would wish it on those people who say "You should totally never do that long-distance thing, you never get to know them like you would if you saw them a lot." Obvious mind-your-own-fucking-business comments aside, communication is what you make it. Living far apart forces you to swallow your inhibitions and state what you feel. You do have to live by the "loved and lost" philosophy every time you leave each other, but I'd wager my libido that our relationship contains more REAL communication and intimacy than 70% of next-block-over ones. Seeing someone constantly does not automatically state 'healthy relationship' (google divorce demographics for supporting evidence).
Aw Jeez, Margie. That last bit was really telling--obviously I'm still afraid of that rift.
"From what?" you say. "You live a charmed life if there ever was one!"
I'm so conflicted right now I don't know how I would answer. I might break into tears and tell you that you're right, that's why I feel so guilty about being bored and jaded. I might don a vague expression and tell you that there's no such thing as a charmed life, and ask you what you meant to accomplish by posing such an obviously flawed question with only relative meaning. I would probably just glare at you though, mumbling a quiet "fucker," as I walk away, because the truth is that at this point I wouldn't even have the inclination to dignify your comment, and I'm experientially motivated to label you a poser if you're on this campus. The thing is, I will never feel guilty, and your question just shot down any semblance of originality I may have initially thought you possessed. If you're not offering me a change of venue, I don't want to hear it. The countdown to winter break started around November 29th.
Fortunately, the number of days on my dashboard countdown widget has reached the single-digits, and I have started keeping track based on the length of my to-do list. As always, I have enough to accomplish before break that I have no time to count in idle days, but instead must schedule nearly every moment with a task. Contrary to popular belief, this does NOT make the days move by any faster. Ideally, I would sleep until next Wednesday, waking up only when I have my seat belt securely fastened and am watching some meth-addicted stewardess mechanically hand out what (apparently) passes for a "snack."
I am looking forward to the next month. Obviously exciting events aside (Christmas, New Year's Eve, weekend excursions, lots of wholly satisfying sex), I have a lot to look forward to. I'm eagerly anticipating not yielding to my parents' wishes in the least, and instead living exactly like I do here--I'm not proclaiming a revolution, I'm just not going to go to bed when they hint their disapproval at 10 pm, or answer "what time will you be home?" with anything other than a shrug and a smile. I miss them, but it has become clear to everyone involved that I will not be returning "home" for any extended length of time, nor am I pining for security and restriction once more. Is it terrible that when I think of going home the first things that come to mind are my cat and my queen-sized bed?
I'm also eager to solidify things with Eric, at least in my mind, and give him a positive send-off. I now have no problem believing that the "we" the two of us have created can survive being apart for 4 months, but I want to make sure we have the tools needed to prevent doubt from making a physical rift into a mental one. My motivation level for that endeavor is high--it's no chore, especially how I plan on accomplishing it. It may be true that I'm over-analyzing my time there and being too deterministic about things, but I know I will be happier if I have a (flexible) goal in mind.
That happiness is essential to cultivate because it would be terrible to make Eric feel regret at leaving me--I know what it is to be torn between two places and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Well, maybe I would wish it on those people who say "You should totally never do that long-distance thing, you never get to know them like you would if you saw them a lot." Obvious mind-your-own-fucking-business comments aside, communication is what you make it. Living far apart forces you to swallow your inhibitions and state what you feel. You do have to live by the "loved and lost" philosophy every time you leave each other, but I'd wager my libido that our relationship contains more REAL communication and intimacy than 70% of next-block-over ones. Seeing someone constantly does not automatically state 'healthy relationship' (google divorce demographics for supporting evidence).
Aw Jeez, Margie. That last bit was really telling--obviously I'm still afraid of that rift.
1 Comments:
Hi Heidi!
I'm excited that you are coming to our New Year's Party (you're coming right?) It will be fun to hang out like the good ol' days of summer '06.
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