What a week. I feel like I've lived nearly a month in the last several days. Sadly, nothing really fun to report, but I did get a haircut! Actually, I now have two nice things to look forward to: The Colorado Press Association Convention in late February and meeting Michael Pollan at a private cocktail party at the president o' the college's house next week (Mindy's probably the only one who knows what any of this means--journalism nerds, unite). I'll actually be making a bit of beer money at the CPA convention since I'm writing two articles about the convention and getting paid $50 each! Hee--I also get a free overnight in Denver and lunch with the Mayor, not to mention all of the great networking I can do in my downtime. Michael Pollan, if anyone is interested, is a New York Times Magazine contributor who wrote this fabulous article, among others.

On the less bright side of things, the class I am in is slowly resulting in a winter of my academic soul. My professor obviously enjoyed studying the substances in the 60s as much as she did Biology. Every day she wears a native american beaded headband and a kimono to class. She's a ton of fun for the lab part of things (she knows far too many facts about the organisms we poke with pins), but she is hopelessly disorganized in the lecture department. This of course results in my brain shutting down completely every morning around ten, and I can't restart it until I sit down in the evening to do my reading. Or at least it would restart if I actually did my reading...

There was more snow today too. I'll be at Copper Mountain Saturday where I will hopefully enjoy the snow, which is not the case here on campus, since it hasn't melted in over a month.

Still haven't found my camera cord. I'll post pictures once I do, which will hopefully be this weekend.

My legs are so sore! I went winter hiking yesterday with some friends in Green Mountain Falls. What usually is about a 30 minute hike in the spring or summer took us a good hour and a half in the deep snow. There were several frozen waterfalls where you could see tons of ice (literally thousands of pounds, I'm sure) and still hear the water rushing by underneath. It was a beautiful hike, and I think we're going to hike the reservoir north of Woodland Park next weekend.

I also saw Pan's Labyrinth this past weekend, and it was fabulous but scary. Despite Rolling Stone's profession that this is a "film for all ages, as long as they're open to gothic twists that scare them senseless," I had trouble getting to sleep that night and I would definitely not take my sister. All of the real violence was particularly macabre, and the fairytale parts were something out of Grimm's worst nightmares. The plot was surprisingly well-developed and the fantasy blended well with the real-world evil. All in all it was visually stunning and well worth the price of a ticket. Just be sure you do something lighthearted before trying to sleep.

It's feast or famine, I tell you. I was making the best of being bored last week, and now I'm riding the wave of a blissfully busy schedule. I may be insane, but I really enjoy having something to do every minute of the day, and then relaxing alone in the evening. This block I'm in a lab class--Biology of Invertebrates--and that takes up five hours of my day. Then I'm breaking in my shiny new Managing Editor position this week, along with the usual rigamarole at the ITS Help Desk. Managing Editor is the perfect position for me, since the reason that I quit last year was because the people in power were making terrifically terrible decisions and had no concept of management. This year, I have a direct influence on those things that before I could not change. My unofficial title around the newsroom is "main ball-buster." While I'm not a meanie, I like holding the section editors to a higher standard than they are used to--it results in a better paper all around. We've promoted some good people, and I'm looking forward to being a part of something that I actually have the power to make better.

I'm sitting in Wooglin's, the cafe down the street from campus (susan, eric, and ryan will remember this place), and I have meetings here this afternoon until they close at ten.
Most people groan for me when I tell them something like this, but it's exciting for me. I can't wait to meet all of my section editors! This enthusiasm for long hours and drudgery bodes well for my future in the business world, I think.

Compared to everyone else's life right now, mine is hardly what you would call fascinating, although I'm quite content. I like the way campus is quiet without everyone here yet-and this is one of those times I want it quiet. With so many friends gone, it has become a week of reconnecting with myself as I exist when I am alone. I'm halfway through a good novel (The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova), have been reading everyone's blogs, and doing little things that need to be done (like Christmas thank you notes). I'm delighted to discover that I still truly enjoy solitary hours with a good book or a project. Armed with this knowledge, I'm eager for classes to begin again, for friends to call--I'll be just that much more appreciative of my alone time then. In the meantime, I'll muse on what adventures I find in my books and read about on friends' blogs. I think I will resurrect true letter writing (I love stationery) so if you feel inclined to do so, email me your addresses.

You know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and...de-icing trucks. Eric is still stuck at the Kansas City airport, which apart from being in the running for The Most Boring Airport Ever award, now means that he will miss at least the first amazing day of his study abroad program. I deeply sympathize, having spent 18 hours in an airport on Christmas Eve. The weather this winter can bite me! It's currently 5 degrees, and last night it was -5 . I woke up this morning having dreamt of spring sunshine and flowering trees only to realize that it was because the glare from the snow was too bright to ignore even while unconscious.

I do very much enjoy my radiator in this weather though. There is something about radiators that makes them the best kind of heating on a really cold winter night. They are such a reassuring presence in any room, like coiled benevolence.

You know what are fabulous? WORDS. Mmmmm, tasty tasty words. I eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Garnished with punctuation, often seasoned with meter and rhythm--perfection.

Today I am glad to be an English major.

What an amazing thing. I've been secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) sulking for the past few weeks, thinking about how much I'm going to loathe being back at CC, but now that I'm here, several things have fallen into place that promise to make this semester not only bearable, but perhaps even fun. Problems seem to resolve themselves in an unforseeable way sometimes.

One of the things I was most upset about was returning to the increasingly more frustrating social scene here. It's hard not to pine for Kansas and Atlanta when I feel that I lack more than one true friend here (who is usually preoccupied by her other friends) and that I have a wonderful overabundance of friends elsewhere. Interestingly enough, I don't think I'll mind the decreased amount of interaction this semester. I am really looking forward to the killer classes and heavy extracurricular load I've scheduled, and I forgot how much fun it is to have free time alone. I am thrilled to resurrect my childhood passion for reading for several hours at a stretch, alone and absorbed entirely by a book. Not to say I won't party and be social, but I'll probably only attend the requisite events this time around.

Keeping busy is probably the most essential requirement to my happiness, and I definitely have that covered this semester. I was just named managing editor of the school paper, and since the paper's new power structure is still in its infancy, I'll be filling in the blanks for a while on the job description. Also ahead are my most challenging classes yet, and a new era at the ITS Help Desk as I train the newbs and help the office move to our new (quite swanky) headquarters. The straw that broke the camel's back is going to be my exercise routine, which I am resolving to stick to, even though both the treadmill and I both know that I'm deluding myself.

You know what would be nice? A break would be nice.

"From what?" you say. "You live a charmed life if there ever was one!"

I'm so conflicted right now I don't know how I would answer. I might break into tears and tell you that you're right, that's why I feel so guilty about being bored and jaded. I might don a vague expression and tell you that there's no such thing as a charmed life, and ask you what you meant to accomplish by posing such an obviously flawed question with only relative meaning. I would probably just glare at you though, mumbling a quiet "fucker," as I walk away, because the truth is that at this point I wouldn't even have the inclination to dignify your comment, and I'm experientially motivated to label you a poser if you're on this campus. The thing is, I will never feel guilty, and your question just shot down any semblance of originality I may have initially thought you possessed. If you're not offering me a change of venue, I don't want to hear it. The countdown to winter break started around November 29th.

Fortunately, the number of days on my dashboard countdown widget has reached the single-digits, and I have started keeping track based on the length of my to-do list. As always, I have enough to accomplish before break that I have no time to count in idle days, but instead must schedule nearly every moment with a task. Contrary to popular belief, this does NOT make the days move by any faster. Ideally, I would sleep until next Wednesday, waking up only when I have my seat belt securely fastened and am watching some meth-addicted stewardess mechanically hand out what (apparently) passes for a "snack."

I am looking forward to the next month. Obviously exciting events aside (Christmas, New Year's Eve, weekend excursions, lots of wholly satisfying sex), I have a lot to look forward to. I'm eagerly anticipating not yielding to my parents' wishes in the least, and instead living exactly like I do here--I'm not proclaiming a revolution, I'm just not going to go to bed when they hint their disapproval at 10 pm, or answer "what time will you be home?" with anything other than a shrug and a smile. I miss them, but it has become clear to everyone involved that I will not be returning "home" for any extended length of time, nor am I pining for security and restriction once more. Is it terrible that when I think of going home the first things that come to mind are my cat and my queen-sized bed?

I'm also eager to solidify things with Eric, at least in my mind, and give him a positive send-off. I now have no problem believing that the "we" the two of us have created can survive being apart for 4 months, but I want to make sure we have the tools needed to prevent doubt from making a physical rift into a mental one. My motivation level for that endeavor is high--it's no chore, especially how I plan on accomplishing it. It may be true that I'm over-analyzing my time there and being too deterministic about things, but I know I will be happier if I have a (flexible) goal in mind.

That happiness is essential to cultivate because it would be terrible to make Eric feel regret at leaving me--I know what it is to be torn between two places and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Well, maybe I would wish it on those people who say "You should totally never do that long-distance thing, you never get to know them like you would if you saw them a lot." Obvious mind-your-own-fucking-business comments aside, communication is what you make it. Living far apart forces you to swallow your inhibitions and state what you feel. You do have to live by the "loved and lost" philosophy every time you leave each other, but I'd wager my libido that our relationship contains more REAL communication and intimacy than 70% of next-block-over ones. Seeing someone constantly does not automatically state 'healthy relationship' (google divorce demographics for supporting evidence).

Aw Jeez, Margie. That last bit was really telling--obviously I'm still afraid of that rift.

Sitting here trying to write, I've discovered that content has no momentum. Just a pleasant, tingly lightness that you can exist in for a few minutes. This makes it very difficult to write, since writing requires momentum--not necessarily motivation via anguish or bliss, but an inertia that stems from life and expels itself on the page. But right now I am content. The weather is cool and light, my room is halfway clean. I'm listening to the sound of the pages of my book being blown by the wind and watching the sun move across the windowsill, stretching closer to the small plant waiting patiently for it's arrival. I will not take these things for granted, and this I think is what gives my content the inertia it needs to settle here in letters.

Leaf buds on the tree outside.
Laughter in the hall.
Light white curtains catching the breeze.
A new short haircut.
Finding the perfect song for the moment.
Fresh sheets and a neatly made bed.
Being alone and sleepy with a well-loved novel.
A sketchbook and pencils within reach.
The calmly ecstatic anticipation of reunion.

I feel a catharsis coming on finally. Last week was a rather difficult week, between dealing with a new class, fielding all of the balls in my court (all of that bullshit like turning in forms and doing laundry and paying bills), and missing him so incredibly much that I can physically feel it. We had an amazing conversation last night though. It's peculiar, but there are certain things that he does that make me so...happy...is the only rather trite word I can think of to explain it. They're all rather silly things, too, like when he sighs when he's put out about something inconsequential, or the way his voice drops an octave when he's telling me something about the two of us. I curl up on my bed in the exact position I would if he were here, but instead of a warm body I have to settle with a cold medium of communication, a modicum of comfort every evening. But that's what I have, and although I might long for more, that is what I'll cherish. I will not scoff at the fact that I fall asleep smiling each night.
The days are a walking reflection of the happiness from the evening before. I wake up looking to the world around me for reinforcement of my mood, and today I have found just what I needed. Spring is here, at least for a week. I can tell, not because of the way the thermometer is reading 73, and not because of the birdsong which I did not realize was gone until now that it's back, but because of the smell--the whole campus smells fresh, green, and alive. It makes me feel like singing (even if all I can think about is sharing each exquisite moment with him), and I will. On campus, in the newly expanded daylight, I will sing the end of winter. And I will wear my little white cotton pleated skirt with a bold colored top, because I love it when my outfit matches my mood.

I would probably have a lot less laundry to do if I didn't have such fluctuating emotions...

Funny how everything falls apart at once. Writing here again is one of those "constructive" things that mom keeps talking about I should be doing, but I'm pretty sure she would disagree with my timing, considering I should be in class right now. At the risk of being hopelessly depressing and with no aim other than the comfort that comes with writing it, I present a list. A list of the shit that has hit the fan or has the potential to do the same.

The List of Woes and More Minor Annoyances:
A. I got in trouble at work for having missed a shift...this has the potential to be bad, but not fatal. I'll just have to smooth it all out when I work today.
B. Baba is in the hospital. He broke his hip yesterday and is going through surgery as I type. This means he'll be in a nursing home for probably the rest of his days. It's hard to think about this strong, amazing man in a hospital bed.
C. Stress about WTF I'm doing this summer. Kansas, Colorado, Georgia? I know what I want to do, but the responsible (financially, emotionally, and career-minded) thing to do might be dreadfully different.
D. I got way too drunk last night, and have quite the moral hangover this morning. I can only pray that I didn't run into any RAs last night on my way into bed. That, and I really feel bad about strangers having to take care of me. I don't even know the name of the girl who held my hair back.
E. While I love working with the fifth graders in conjunction with my Power of the Arts in Education course, it's significantly depressing. We did an activity about art and emotions yesterday and some of the kids were clearly in a very bad place emotionally. The teacher didn't help lighten the mood either when he pointed out to me which kids are abused, whose mom is a crack whore, and who lives with their grandparents because their mom and dad are in jail.
F. I have to wait three more weeks to see the man that I want next to me right now.
G. Sorority girls hate me (that might actually be a good thing, I don't know).
H. Money sucks when you don't have it.
I. My toothbrush got smushed and it won't straighten itself out. It's been three days now and it still looks as deflated as my attitude towards the world.

Well. That was depressing.

Home again, home again jiggity jog.

I would like to register shock and amazement (and quite a bit of muttering) at how everything has changed, yet nothing is different.

I arrived in Atlanta after a rather exhausting day of travelling (ever noticed how boredom leads to exhaustion?). After waiting for an hour or two at the COS airport, I finally got on my plane only to find a crowd of vaguely familliar CC people seated all around me. So, of course, instead of relaxing in my relative anonymity, I had to pretend solidarity with my schoolmates and answer questions about what classes I was taking, what I was doing this summer, and had I tried Herb N' Farms new vegan wraps yet?

No, I had not. I hate vegetables, and I stereotype most vegans as pretentious nutrition-whores.

So, I feigned sleep with my headphones on--it was a pretty boring flight. No movie, no turbulence. Of course, after I got to Atlanta, got my baggage, rode MARTA all the way to the other side of the city, my parents wanted to go to dinner. It was a struggle not to faceplant into my lobster risotto, let me tell you. But when I finally got to my house--wow. What a feeling. I flopped on my bed, took in the sight of my pristine french-provincial-style room with its sweeping canopy, beautiful antique furniture [that my great great grandfather crafted!], and turned on my favorite jazz station. I forgot how nice it can be to be in my room. I delighted in looking over all of the books in my bookcase, becoming familiar with these old friends. I picked one that I had read a thousand times, curled up under the covers, and listened to the late-night thunderstorm rage outside my cozy little home.

Since Madeline is out of town for the weekend, I was stuck with my mom on Friday. Honestly, though, I didn't mind. I missed mom a lot and it was good to be around her again. My little sister is obviously too normal, because mom said she'd forgotten how goofy and downright strange people can be. She's so proper sometimes, and it's gotten worse since I've been gone. Apparently she's "active" in our neighborhood now--and while I think it's great for her (and dad too) to have friends, I was kind of hoping they would be more like her old friends, starving-artist type people, than these Stepford Wives. Oh, and I have to remember my table manners again. Damn. At least the food's better and merits that type of respect, unlike Rastall.

My parents and I are kind of at a loss for things to discuss. I find it more difficult than ever to start a conversation about something that matters to me. Their authoritarian attitude about all matters pertaining to their household has now, unfortunately, bled over into their politics and intellectual philosophies. Thus, I am labeled (perhaps not entirely inacurately) as the hippie home from college, whose philosophies and politics are but a jumble of hopelessly flawed liberal catchphrases. Ironically, since my parents find it effective to write off my words as sophomoric gibberish (I'm not bitter, really), it leaves them free to see me as somewhat less than a threat to their stability (mental and emotional, mostly), thus I have been experiencing more freedom than I have ever been party to before. Another side-effect of this phenomenon is that my parents and I get along better. We can joke about things without them worrying about me getting to "sassy" with them, and they have learned to laugh with me at my idiosyncracies rather than try to straighten me out into a "normal" person.

Alright, I've spent nearly two hours (which should have been spent in the pursuit of an "A" on my final) investigating and compiling a list of some of the best and most interesting sites out there. So, I humbly ask that you, dear reader, validate my procrastination with a visit to something that piques your interest. Then tell me about it. Really, I mean it. How else am I going to know if I got the approval I so desperately seek, hmmm?

Ressurection! After over a year, I am back. Apparently, the world believes it a wise idea that I journal. Since I abhor my handwriting with a passion akin to that exhibited only by David Hasselhoff fans on New Year's Eve 1989, here I am, at the keyboard again.

I really have nothing [read: way too much] to write. I'll assume that whoever decides to read this knows the basics:

*I'm in college now--Colorado College in Colorado Springs, to be meticulously precise
*I no longer endure the tyrrany of my parents on a daily basis (although as summer approaches and college ends, that may change somewhat)
*I've been through the strangest voyage of self-discovery this year, shipwrecked several times, but always salvaged
*I've changed. A lot.

Of course, my favorite part of journaling has never been the writing--I've always much prefered to shop for pretty books, hand-bound with beads and string, and interesting pens to write with. As for the digital version, I still find myself messing with templates and fonts.

"I've been told that everyone has their own font, and I should get one, too." --David Sedaris

When it comes to the thoughts, I find myself fighting not to let my thoughts be censored for my intended audience. Hard, though, considering the wide range of people who may or may not still be subscribers to this digital testimonial of my late teens.

I'll leave the determination of my audience up to the mystical ether that is the internet (with a few select invites from me) and try my best to forget who may be reading this. After all, this is supposed to be for my own sanity, perhaps with a discrete nod to posterity.


Comment though, dammit. You know how much I love mail.

GRADUATION!
WoOt.
Oh, the home strrrretch is here--200 yards to go in this four-year marathon.
AND
I am passing all of my classes! WoOt indeed.

I am no longer a homeless senior! I have a home for next year--at last, somebody wants me!
A big, fat envelope from Colorado College. Balloons and chockie from the 'rents as congradulations. A hand-written note from the admissions counselor put on the top of my formal admissions letter:
"Heidi-- how about packing up your bags one last time and joining us for a four-year adventure in the mountains? Can't wait to meet you!"
I love it. I'm so easily pleased, I know, but how thrilling!
Now all I have to do is graduate...

15 days until PR arrives! She comes on the day that my Onion calendar spouts an article headlined "Epidemic of YTD (Youthful Tendency Disorder) Strikes US Youth." Ha-ha-how appropriate, for we will indeed be struck on that day with two severe cases of YTD. Elated I am.
Until then, I have an enormous amount of work to complete. Strangely, I am motivated...I have a goal (graduate High School, stop failing Calculus) and a deadline (April 2nd), and I have a plan (calculus tutor 2x a week, take notes in class, practice 1 hr/nite)--thus, apparently, I have motivation. It seems possible, and that feels so good. Plus, the tutor & I meet at Starbucks. She is a hip 20-something training to be a math teacher, but she'll never get there. She's too cool to be cloistered in a public school in Georgia.
I will be an industrious student.
I will act like a mature adult.
I will have good ideas and participate in class.
....
I will be no fun (?!).

NO! I can do this. I can be a mature, responsible studentperson and still retain my ME. I can still do crazy things in my art notebook, still sing to myself until it annoys someone, still break dress code at least 3 times a week, and still spout off seemingly random phrases that make an alarming amount of sense, though not in the context of the conversation.

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

A big thank you to http://www.snopes.com/politics/bush/piehigher.asp for the poem, which, if anyone is interested, is explained and referenced in detail on that page, including the attempts by Dubya's staff to explain some of his more obvious dis-locutions.

I saw my heart yesterday. There it was, red and blue and thumping. I could even hear it--it sounded a lot different thatn I thought it would. It made a funny kind of whistling sound, almost. Huh. The jelly that they used for the EKG was cold and sticky though....I can't wait because they record the readings on a videotape and send it to you in the mail if you want them to...My mom, on the other hand, was quietly afraid, for some reason. She said that it worried her to see my heart up there on the screen. She said that she was afraid because she didn't know what all of the numbers and readings meant and so she couldn't tell if there was anyhting wrong or not. I reminded her that it was a good thing to see my heart up on the screen: at least we know that I have one. Then I made cornbread muffins.

In retrospect, I wish I could have gotten the hiccupps during the EKG. I would have loved to see what hiccupps look like from the inside.

Snark. chuh chuh! whoooahwhooo pfffffffffbbbbth.
This is what I sound like today...but at least I have sound--yesterday my voice was completely gone. Madeline summed it up pretty well: "You're like an angry mime." And indeed I was. How frustrating not to be able to say a word. I learned a lot though. I noticed things. Like how much I say that is purely superfluous. We all tend to over-speak simply to hear the sound of our own voice. I noticed other things too: how 80% of the things that other people say are just bits of meaningless chatter. And how the important things aren't said aloud, but the point gets across anyway. I saw an exhibit on chimpanzees at the natural history museum last weekend and was absolutely floored by the complexity of their body language. It was not until yesterday that I realized how humans are just as proficient in using our own bodies to communicate--we just don't notice it. Try going around for one day without making gestures while you speak, not using facial expressions, not using your body to communicate in any way. It's almost impossible. Exasperation (sigh, hands on hips), bordeom (head in hands), interest (leaning forward), superiority (raised eyebrows during conversation)....the list is endless and so ingrained that it takes a constant effort to notice it all.
Needless to say my teachers were pleasantly surprised that I could not talk...
...but after a day of interpreting body language, they had no chance in concealing their dissapointment (audible sigh, shoulders fall in resignation, teeth set) today upon realizing that my voice is back--in full force.

oh, the things I love. I love those things. And all I need to do when I'm in a funk is to think of fun happy things I love.
Laughter
sunshine
waterbugs
fuzzy-leafed plants
80s music
the thought of Florida
Rugby
Frisbee
Dark chocolate
Poetry in the sunshine
Flirting unexpectedly
Doing crazy things at lunch
dreams that you can remember
a well-charged cell phone
A new notebook
raspberries
the word "theory"

Engarde! Cliche!

I hate Valentine's day. Really I do. I'm not just bitter about being single (still!), I'm also full of loathing for the whole holiday. It's so false. Gift-giving reaches a frenzied pace in order to avert an emotional apocalypse--leaving the actual gesture void of most, if not all, meaning. I enjoy getting little cards from friends and relatives, but that benefit is entirely negated by the heightened amount of PDA in the halls. Since when did sucking face in public become romantic, or even pleasurable??

I will take this opportunity to give out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cards though. You know, the kind that you used to give to your classmates back in 2nd grade.

What. A. Day.

Lethargy has set into my senior year self like I never thought possible. I see this in everyone--but that does not comfort me at all, really. Last year, I saw the seniors act this way (Andrea Brown immediately comes to mind, for some reason), yet I did not believe that it could ever be this bad for me, for my friends, my teachers, even my parents. I cannot understand how anyone could go through this part of senior year and not want to create strict legislation against it.
You remember how we learned in Physics that energy is never created or destroyed, only transferred? I wonder where all of the energy goes? Does it get shipped off to somewhere overseas? Is there an alternate universe where seniors are ebullient and gung-ho about finishing strong? Or was Keiter wrong all along?

So I figured out what I'll be doing if I don't get in to any of my colleges. I'll take a month off and go somewhere with only the bare essentials of survival--somewhere remote and silent, like the Mojave or the San Juans. I'll spend a month in isolation and think out my fears and my future. At any rate, I'm not going to spend the next year at home. Come hell or high water, I WILL leave this godforsaken house. I will always be treated like a 12 year old here. Self-discovery, here I come.

oh, and I surprise even myself when I say that I'm STILL without an object to lust after...and it's been a whole three days!
In other news, I'm very excited to say that I'm starting Yoga next week!! I can't wait to center myself, see through my third eye, etc. Woot.

God I need a hobby.

Or a boyfriend.

Or some motherfuckin' chocolate....

I think I'm giving up on southern boys.

At least for this week.

It's really crazy. I seem to have lost my touch this year, and it's absolutely THE most painful thing I have endured from this new school. It's not just the physical stuff that I miss (although I miss that quite a bit)--it's mostly the companionship. Kelly and I have taken to exchanging steamy IMs and a phone call or two recently...that just shows you how much I want someone [male] to talk to. By my count, I'm down 4 boys from my tally from this time last year. It's pathetic.

An 80s musician ( or his pop persona, I can't remember which) one wisely noted, "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!"
And so there have been a few--To the blog, and the writer. I am finally coming to terms with losing my comfort zone (after almost 6 months), which has opened my eyes to many new things. Like the fact that I have morphed into this highly logical yet joyfully simplistic person. I have taken up some of my old hobbies, too: beadwork, drawing, collage, and Deep Thinking. Music, which was an obsession for the last 6 months, has once again fled to the wings--for I have finally become comfortable with my new niche in the world.
This does not mean that I like where--and who--I am. It only means that the phantom limb-type pains caused by my transplantation have become more like a dull (yet constant) throbbing in my head. But at this point, I have come far enough to question if I would, given the chance, return to where (physically, emotionally, mentally) I was 6 months ago. The traveler is walking on.
Like everyone else, I enjoy feeling a sense of belonging. Thus, I am thrilled to find comments on my site or emails in my inbox. But I cannot guarantee continuity. Some days it will seem as if a completely different person is writing (in some ways, I guess it is). I wonder how they distinguish the difference between severe mood swings and multiple personality disorder?
So it goes.
" Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
"If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with!" --CSNY

Aujord'hui, in Bio, I found a facinating and disturbing new interest: Viruses. I must have some sort of new-age disorder, but I love viruses. They are perfect and exquisitely beautiful examples of nature's power. Their MO is not neccessarily to destroy, but to simply replicate and pass on their genetic information. They cannot move, reproduce, or function on their own--it is even debated if they are trully alive--yet throughout eons, they have repelled evolutionary change simply by nature of their inherent and simplistic perfection. I sit in class, hearing Mr. Kuhn drone on and on about bacteriophages and capsids and instead of being in class, I find myself watching an Ebola Marburg strain ravage the complex inner workings of a body...
There is an unexpected beauty in the harshness of nature.

Am a horrible slacker. I have spent all day in fear of the blank page in front of me. Let's take a look at the numbers: 12 days until thanksgiving. 10 days until relatives arrive. 9 schools, 8 common applications, 7 essays, 6 pre-application supplements, 5 hours alone to work, 4 short answer questions, 3 cans of diet coke (so far), 2 great mix cds made (helpless against the distraction of Kazaa), 1 applicant.
I am writing my main essay about what moving so much has taught me...I'm trying very hard not to be trite, but the one thing I am really good at is telling people exactly what they want to hear, so I end up sounding like a stupid git with too much motivation. I just want to be genuine, but I'm afraid of doing that and then having my mom, dad, and Aunt Lisa (ex-admissions officer at Gettysburg College) read it.
Susan, can I borrow your brain?
I need to be able to write well for about 3 hours.

Am so sick of school.
Am so sick of administration.
Am so sick.
You know that feeling that you get when you know that you'll be sick tomorrow or the next day? The one where your throat feels all funky and your eyes hurt...and you keep asking people to feel your forehead to see if you have a fever yet?
Yeah, that's how I feel today, and it sucks. It also doesn't help to know that if I get sick now, I will still have to go to school, because I have way too much work to miss any days at all. And the staff at this school are driving me nuts. I thought Mme. Pearson was bad! She's a concerned mommy compared to the antagonists I'm forced to deal with everyday here! There are no lukewarm teachers and administrators here. There are great teachers who you idolize, and then there are giant meanieheads that waddle up and down the halls. ANAL is an understatement. ONEMOREYEARONEMOREYEARONEMOREYEAR!
Sorry I'm being so negative today. I just feel like being negative, and it feels very good.

Does my forehead feel hot to you?

This week I:
*have ressurected my sketchbook, and the pages are a wonderful outlet
*read two unassigned chapters of my psychology textbook, intruiged--at the expense of my other homework
*actually replied to 3 emails, instead of just being a Greedy Reciever
*Wrote a thank you note for the first time in 4 years
*Am turning my charms on full steam in order to solidify weekend plans with a certain male
*need to do my laundry
*******************************************************************
Next week is my first model UN in GA, but it is not shaping up to be like the yummy MUNs in KS--AT ALL. The one person on whom I had my seductive sites set has floated out of my frame of vision, and become a completely second-rate male in my eyes. That's really disconcerting for me, because I could become very bored. I have the option of actually giving it my all and performing to the best of my ability, and for the first time in my life I actually have the motivation to do that. I like the country I am representing: Mexico. It's not significant enough to draw any unwanted criticism and automatic animosity from delegates just "acting their part," like you would if you were, say, Russia or South Africa. It is also a "powerful" nation (haha), meaning that it's on the secruity council and giving credibility to a raised placard enough to be called on by the chair.

Going through a rather sketchy time at school and w/ parents. I realized today that they have never let me fly on my own....Always with the constant emails to my teachers, nightly binder checks, making teachers sign my assignment notebook, then checking that I have those things done, etc. Last year when this came up I didn't have the leverage that I have now: college. Plus, I wasn't mature enough to say what I wanted to in a logical way. I don't really know why I posted this, but it helps to just get it out there. I just copied/pasted from the letter I wrote them, so some of it might not make sense....I feel like I have had an epiphany though. I can almost taste the motivation, just around the corner. I hope they make the right choice....
"How are you going to know what I can do on my own if you never leave me alone? You tell me that you can't do that, that you can't allow me to fail, that the stakes are too high, but consider this: if I continue like this for the rest of this year, you won't have to worry about what I do in college, because I won't be going. And if you leave me alone and I succeed, well, you won't have to worry about me in college then either, because you will have already seen what I can do on my own. Alternatively, if you do what you usually do at this point,--closely monitor me so that I am shoved down the path to success, how will you--or most importantly, I myself--know if I can find my way down that path on my own?
Like it or not, the time for teaching me the lessons I need to succeed is over. You and I both know that I have the tools to succeed. This is the test, sink or swim. There is no other viable option. You have given me the tools, now let me show you that I know how to use them. Sure, a teacher feels nervous before their students take a test, for how will she know if they will fail or pass?
The answer is she can't. So let me bring it back into the context of this semester. If you look at it logically, it doesn't make sense to hold my hand and only let go when you have led me to college on the end of a leash, never having had the chance to see how I bounce back--or not--from failure without your help. Has it ever occurred to you that because of the fact that every time there is a problem you hold my head above water, I don't know what I am capable of? There is no way for me (or you) to know if I can do it, but I do know (although you cannot) that I have this incredible desire to try. If willpower equals ability, start celebrating my acceptance to the college of my choice. Let me show myself (and you, in the process) what I can do. Let me do it now--before you are paying for it; before the stakes are truly too high."

I have neglected my blog.
That's it--40 lashes with a wet noodle for me!

But I will try to make it up to you, o bloggey o' mine:

Chris the Arrogant Wonder Nerd is O.O.T.P.*
Mario the Sexy Spanish Sweetheart* has arrived
But I still have no friends. I cry for Susan, Annie, Lena, Leah, Sarah, Perry. Then I sniff for a familiar face: Marcus, Maria, William, Micaya, Heather, Dusty, even Anna the Psycho Bitch. Something to remind me of home!
I really wish that I could settle in and become comfortable, but this time I messed up: I became too attached, and call it home. In a way, this is a triumph for me, Heidi who does not become attached, Heidi who is so careful only to let people get one foot in the door. But oh how it hurts!



*Out Of The Picture
*Actually, He's Aztec.

Found a new and wonderful website today. Pass it on!

Hey, girls, how you lookin'?

Soo good!
Really I do. I'm officially 17 now! rahrahrah. My brithday was nice...I have long since given up on the idea of being 'queen for a day,' since every birthday seems more insignificant than the last. I'm not trying to be depressing, because my birthday was great at school, but at home, it was a non-event almost. I used to wonder how in the world birthdays became no longer special to old people, and how they could stand not having a party. Now I realize that life just gets in the way. Everyday Life swells like The Blob as you get older, feeding itself on tasties like Responsibility and Work and Errands, until it is so big that nothing can squeeze in around it, even a birthday.
My birthday present: Luggage.
Eee Gads, Pop! LUGGAGE! swell! You shouldn't have!

The grown-up side of me reminds the rest of me that I really do need luggage, for I can hardly make a good impression on Wellesley next weekend if I show up with my stuff in a paper bag...admissions might be need-blind, but not I-Am-Bag-Lady-Blind.

I will have to buy myself a birthday present that is frivolous, immature, and altogether delightful. Like a tiara!

But this I vow: EVEN when I am 30, 42, 56, or 99, I will deflate the blob for a day and shout HOORAY!
HUZZAH!
HAPPY HAPPY BECAUSE I WAS BORN!!!

How do you eat your kiwis? Most people seem to eat them by cutting them in half, then eating out the insides with a spoon. I, however, find it intensely amusing to eat it like a soft-boiled egg: that is, slice off the tiniest slice with a spoon and eat out the innards. HA! Kiwi innards!
I cannot stand Chris any longer, I'm afraid. I made him this great cd....idea courtesy of susan...and he didn't say one word more than 'thanks!' To top it all off, he hasn't said anything about in the two days since he's had it. I'm convinced that he hasn't listened to it. Grrrr. I gave him the majorly cold shoulder on Monday, but he didn't seem to care. In fact, I was convinced that he hadn't even noticed until early this morning when he astutely observed "you seemed mad yesterday..." HEL-LOoh! I think he's got something there! I hereby bestow upon him the title (he deserves it more than Taylor) Snobweasel Extrordinaire!

I will not neglect my blog.
I will not neglect my blog.
I will try very very hard not to neglect my blog.

I was just scrolling over my most recent posts and realized that unlike my more dedicated amigos, I have had only 5 entries in the last 4 months. Oh my, no wonder my hit count is so low. But no longer! I have mid-year blog resolutions:
1. to make my life interesting and amusing to read about (like susan, to whose blog I am hopelessly addicted ^_^)
2. not to write so durn much about stinky boys that take up my valuable time
3. post at least 4 times a week
4. stop changing my template (do you like this one? It covers up the ads!)
5. remember that random tangents are the brain's Worlds Of Fun
So now to the meat of the matter.

Boy, am I neck-deep in holy rollers! On our way here, I remember asking mom if Atlanta was considered part of the infamous (at least in our family) Bible Belt. Her reply was both unsettling and ambiguous: "I think, bug, that the Bible Belt is just wherever they want to put it...but you'll find out whether or not they put it here PDQ."
Man, oh, Man Manachewitz!
Boy, oh, Boyardee!
Not so much a belt as a Girdle!
Hey, well, I have to go, but please keep me informed on the goings-on in Kansasland and please ask me questions (random or otherwise) about Georgia, squirrels, french, ranch dressing, tortillas, moon shoes, and snot monkeys if you feel like it. And pleasepleaseplease give me a call. (913) 481-9877. Woot! I be missing ALL OF YOU (not y'all)

Good morning from Georgia.....hmmm. Annie, you would have a blast down here...lots of fodder for toons etc. So how is life back at old Shawnee Mission Wonderful? I miss lots of things, mostly very stupid things, like:
Psychoanalyzing Austen Marcusfeld
Eating outside in our Shady Grove
Watching Mme. Dunn try to mount her chair
Spray painting random things in the art room
terrorizing Mr. Ruggiero


bell. mustgo. will post more later. Ta.

I just thought I would drop a line in between tasks at my internship. I work for the International Relations Council as an intern…I love how important that sounds. I have my own desk, my own computer, and my own leather office chair here on the 25th floor, with a great view of downtown KC (what little of it there is lol). My favorite part is going to lunch. The building that I work in is connected via skywalks to the rest of the buildings around it, so that I have access to about 4 square blocks of downtown without ever having to set foot outside. Since I go to lunch alone, I usually end up sharing my lunch table with another intern from a different company (Commerce Bank, KC Chamber of Commerce, World Trade Center, Avila, etc.) who is usually cute, young, and (!!!) male. What fun. I play a lot of solitaire, though, because I have come to realize that it is work for my director to find work for me to do. Fine with me! Being paid for just sitting here and surfing the net is just dandy! Oh yes oh yes, and oh so professional! So if any of you have good (sound-optional, because I have to be quiet grrr) (ME, quiet?!?) websites to pass the time, I’d love to hear them.

Well I never!
That's what I keep telling my computer each time I walk past it's blank face. My sister left it on during one of those mongo summer storms and a power surge made it a very unhappy pc. So, I have been computerless for weeks now. GRRRRR! So I believe a quite lengthy update is in order!

ON BOYS:
Summer has produced unprecedented opportunities for bringing school-year flirtations to fruition. Among the more exciting events:
Having William (MHS) over to teach me guitar, which ended abruptly with a large thunderstorm and power-outage, causing us to turn to other activities which were NOT hampered by darkness (ooh la la!),
Taylor & I went swing dancing, and watched some more of his movies (zzzz....SNORK!), but he has kind of gone by the wayside recently because of conflicting schedules,
A brief and disturbing fling with Adrian Torres, who is a great guy but waaaaay too clingy(he still calls 2-3 times a day...),
and (!!!) an upcoming visit with Sandy, who has many exciting things planned for us to do, including horseback riding in the desert (at dusk!), going to a swing dance club, waterparks, and paintballing (woohoo!). I leave on Thursday and get back on Monday evening. Still, call me if you think of it because I love hearing my phone ring. It makes me feel loved. (913)481-9877.
I have David's email address burning a hole in my pocket, but I don't know what to say to him...I'll figure something out. Suggestions requested.
Eric and I have made lots of plans for getting together this summer, but none have ever worked out. I have al but given up on him, sadly.

ON WORK:
Sheridan's is more fun than ever now that I know everyone and have the experience to be an able employee and not just a peon. Surprisingly enough, I am not even remotely tired of eating frozen custard. If anything, I am more heavily addicted to it now than I was before I worked there.
The International Relations Council internship that I landed has been just as glamourous as I thought it would be, and twice as boring. There's not much to do past dressing professionally and walking around downtown looking young and important.
One thing about working: you get paid! I usually forget about this when I am actually working, so that when my paychecks come it's like an unexpected gift from a long-forgotten relative, except that it is always EXACTLY what I wanted! So after much deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that work is good.
And taxes are evil.

ON LEAVING:
The threat of leaving hangs over me daily like the Sword Of Damascus. I cannot think that school starts in a little over a month, at which time I will no longer be at home here in Kansas City. This is the part of moving that I hate the most: saying goodbye to everyone (and everything). Whenever I see someone I know, I have this nagging knot in the pit of my stomach because I know that this is quite probably the last time I will see them ever again. It's really sad. Same goes for places, too. Like last night, I went to Salty Iguana and wondered when I would be back there. It's just really depressing...I wish there were some way that I could properly say goodbye to everyone, because I am so afraid of just up and leaving without any closure. Mom told me yesterday that we wouldn't be having our usual going-away bash, so I can't invite everyone to that, and everything is just up in the air right now...and time is slipping away at an alarming rate. I'm gone for the last two weeks of July (19-31) and this Thursday I leave for Phoenix, and I work Mon-Wed-Fri for IRC. Moving day is August 4th, and school starts on the 11th. UGH!!!!! I miss everybody already. Usually, the melencholy doesn't set in this early, but this is the first city that I really regret leaving.

At last, a new and unique setting in which to test my skills as a schemer--Summer!
I thought that school would never end, what with all of the makeup work I had to get in, the last-minute salvaging of my grades, and the superfluous two-day week of finals, but it did! It's finally over, and I am free to plot and plan and enjoy for the next 2.5 months! Of course, friends come first, so that will be where I start the fun plans. I have a few ideas (most of which are not my own, just borrowed for the sake of this entry)...
Paintballing
camping trip
intrepid shopping expeditions for frivolous impulsive purchases (whee!)
folfing
hiking w/ picnic
country auctioning (mini-roadtrip)
Parkville
Worlds Of Fun (still never been there!)
baking/cooking escapades
grilling in Franklin park
movie nite (anime, anyone?)

French Class tody startd out boring, but then Eric told me to make up a game.....


Storytime!
[Heidi] Once upon a time there was a grapefruit that was very sad because he had one green eye and one brown eye. He went to...
[Eric]...Jesus and asked him to sniff some fat caterpillars. Jesus gladly....
[Marcus]...impald him on a fork and fed him to someone named Chadwick, who needed a cure for his narcolepsy (breakfast food helps)...
[Susan] Chadwick's single desire was to be initiated into the Secret Society of Two Bad Ants, led by, you guessed it, two bad, very fat ants attempting to aid in the revival of Marxism,
[David Sanders]...an outdated philosophy created by hit 80's singer Cyndi Lauper, the inventor of happy feet. Unfortunately, Chadwick was impaled on incredibly sharp bubblewrap so his movement was tramled, but luckily, his spirit lived on in...
[Chriss Westphal]...Bob, his clone. Bob unfortunately ate froot loops, a foreign and poisonous version of Fruit Loops. This caused random-scientist 'D' to invent...
[Eric]...Cheeze Wiz, one of the only known cures to the horrible froot loops. Unfortunately, most people died after...
[Heidi]...eating Cheeze Wiz, which turned out to be a poisonous variety of the more well-known cheese substitute, Cheez Whiz. Among the dead were Cyndi Lauper, one of the Two Bad Ants, Jesus, Alfred E. Neustadt, and Aserix. Chadwick and Bob mourned the loss of their comrades and...
[Marcus]...decided to move to Freedomville, the capital of Freedom Land, where they drank Freedom Wine and ate Freedom Fries.

this is not working

testing 123

heard any good music lately? I'm desperate....

ps- Tell me what you think of the new template, ok?

The prodigal freakitard returns! Enough of Xanga. It offends my logical side, and so here I am, back again. And this time to stay...or at least until a more lucrative offer comes around....(Hey, I can't change my character just because of a few mistakes, right?)

Well, there is so much I have neglected to tell you that I have no idea where to begin. PR gave me two (2) topics of interest to her: One (1) get the inner workings of a schemer, and Two (2) see a written version of prom. Dag, Yo. My thoughts exactly.

The Schemer in me lives on--THRIVES, even.
The current cast of characters runs like this:
NEW ADDITIONS
David Smith (aka Spy Guy)--A runner from Rockhurst who is excessively blunt and has little to no sense of humor. Filler potential for those awful weekends with nothing to do. He spends a lot of time on his computer, which he supposedly built himself. I've been on one date with him, (D & M) and we kissed. He's not very experienced.
Taylor Sloan (aka Sir Galahad)--A pretty boy who is a senior at East, soon to be a freshman at KU. First met him when I was dating Lying Dog at a party at Mike Young's house, then we had jewelry together (limited contact). Fast forward to today (one year later): we danced together at ROMP (swing) and began giving each other a casual 'hi!' in the halls, usually accompanied by a deep blush on my part, and then out of the blue he askend me to go to prom with him. The 'Sir Galahad' moniker came from his caste innocence when we went on our first date...More about him later. Much more.
Will O'Rourke (aka My Hot Sophmore-MHS)-- Exactly what he sounds like. I probably should take him seriously, but I don't. He's cute and fun and drives a royal blue Saab convertable. I wouldn't be adverse to making sure this develops over the summer.
Mr. Mystery-- Supposedly a hot frosh/smore at UMKC that I will be working with this summer--we are both interns at the International Relations Council downtown....
OLD CHARACTERS STILL ON THE SCENE
Alex Dillon--The College Boy from Chicago. Big flirt, fast car.
Dustin Maurer--Sometimes annoying, sometimes hilarious, always persistant. Oh dear.
Kelly Wooldridge(aka Lying Dog)-- Ex with major problems. No regrets here, unless you count ever dating him. Caouldn't tell the truth to save his life...really. "you're scum, you're a maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, happy christmas your ass and we danced through the night!" --The Pogues
Chriss Westphal (aka Tuesday Morning boy/ The Purple Guffaw)-- Has become a minor part in recent months. His friends tell me more of what he (supposedly) says to me than he does himself. Hmmm. I love a challenge, though.
Marcus Austenfeld (aka Zoolander)-- Not, NOT a love interest. Uuuugh. No, this one's just more fun than a barrel of monkeys to psychoanalyze! Eh, PR??

I hope I didn't miss anyone.....please tell me if I have!

Now, onto Act I!

I have moved. please stop by and pleasepleaseplease comment. I need feedback! Tell me what you think of the new site and the new server (Xanga)
www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Demoiselleheidi
thanks

Heidi

As you may have noticed, I have discovered the many uses of hyperlinks. A big thank you to Susan. I will continue to try and find new and fun things for you guys to read, but most of these I'm sure you have already seen.
I have come to the sad realization that I am growing up. People always say to me, "You think way too much!" To which I would like to reply, you have nooooo idea. I have started doing such dry and disgusting adult things like PRIORITIZING and WRITING THINGS DOWN, and, perhaps the worst of all, AVOIDING CONFLICT. Those higlighted phrases are so abhorrent to me. They look like something out of a 7 Habits for Highly Successful People book. But the part that really erks (urks?) me is that no matter how proactive I am, no matter what my grades are, my parents never seem to think that I am any more responsible than I was when I was 13!!!!! Grrrrr.
Oh, and David? He called me on Saturday night too. EEEEEEE!

The cartoons are tres bon.
This website was given to me from David Smith, the guy who I gave my # to at Model UN. He called me tonight, and we talked for an hour and a half, but he still didn't ask me out. gr.

oh well, I got a cool website out of it though.

Your Mother Smells Of Ketchup.

Blarg. It be monday. And not just any monday, this is a monday after a weekend of being grounded. Grrr. I got to watch Alias, though. I am grounded from EVERYTHING!!!! TV, computer, going out, staying after school, and anything else that might bring me a small amount of joy. The good thing being that I catch up on all my schoolwork, the bad that I (oh yeah!) have no life whatsoever. Enough complaining though. There are wonderful things in the world. Things to delight and amuse you

Don't YOU want to be a citizen of El Shelvador?
I delight in the simplicity of modern day psychology

that was THE crappiest entry ever.

Well I HAVE been neglecting you, haven't I?? So sorry about that, but my life has not been all that interesting lately. Nothing happened at all. Honestly.

Well, except getting grounded for the next 11 weeks,
ending up at Kelly's house in the rain at 9:30 pm,
failing Chemistry,
driving on the interstate for the first time,
dealing with Marcus, David, Dan, Reed, and Arup collectively at one time everyday for 3 straight hours in IB,
trying to get a job,
and a car,
and a boyfriend

but nothing of note. Really. So I have a legitimate excuse for neglecting you. But I am sorry, blog. Really I am.

And now it is time to go home.

I am a wimpy dodge-ball target! I am scared at the prospect of having to go under the knife for my inflamed tonsils, and I don't even know if my tonsils are the problem!!! I go to the doc today at 3 to see why I am still sick. I was fine from about friday afternoon until last night, but today I woke up with 101 again. I wish I would heal. How powerful is the power of suggestion? Everyone says "don't underestimate the power of suggestion," but then they never elaborate on that advice. So I am asking now, how powerful is it? Could I sit for an hour chanting "heal, heal, HEAL!" in manner of scary swami person with third eye and be all better? hmmm. I spent this morning reading my Princeton Review Big Book O' Colleges You Can't Get Into. Six of the Eight colleges on my list are in the top 10 most difficult schools to get into. The book was very funny in the back though. All of the random stuff that the students put on their Princeton Review surveys was quoted in the back. I like Juan M.'s take on his school: "Getting an education from MIT is like getting a drink from a firehose."
"My life here is as the torrential rains
of Dhamer upon the Yaktong Valley.
I bleat like a llama shedding out of season."
--Ronald M., on social life in college.
I would like to meet this Ronald.

By the way, my internet almost always feels tired with a happy face. This gives me the perhaps undeserved notion that if one is tired, one must keep a smile on one's face. Does this make me a Whiny Pout if I don't expend the extra energy for a smiley face when wiped out??

Here's a thought...
On George Dubya's new "No Child Left Behind" bill: Veeery shrewd! I mean, it's got to be THE most ridiculous proposition for quite some time. The premise is that every public school in America is put in a category based on the performance of their LEAST MOTIVATED LOSERS. (Let's hear it for being PC!) Think of that slacker guy/girl in the back of the classroom who does absolutely NOTHING all semester. Got their picture? Good. Now, fast forward to 6 months later. **POOF!** Poindexter.
Not very realistic....but that's what the bill calls for. SME is now on the probation list, and if our slackers don't morph into productive members of society, we lose beaucoup bucks and Uncle Sam pooh-pooh's our alma mater. But really, it's a very clever name! I'll bet you that half of the congresspeople didn't even read the whole 18,000 page bill. It would have been a waste of time, because you CAN'T vote against something called "No Child Left Behind!" You'd never get reelected! "Gasp! Senator Jones wants to leave children behind!!! Omygawd!!" If I'm ever a senator I'll think up something really ridiculous and call it the Anti-Babyeater Bill. It'll win for sure. Way to go George! That's using the old noodle!

It's so pure white! I do love to look at newly-fallen snow. It seems to be the epitome of silence. I kept waiting for it to start snowing last night, but I dosed off before I could see the first flakes. Sleeping last night was bliss! You must know that feeling of anticipation, like there's a secret or a promise in the air--like before Christmas or your birthday--and then wake up inexplicably excited until you remember what it is you were waiting for. And today, that promise was fulfilled, for behold: SNOW! The word "cavort" comes to mind for some reason. I almost wish I were 8 again, when all of my closest friends lived on my block and we would automatically gather in the cul-de-sac for The Best Snow War Of All Time. Afterwards we would play with the tiny marshmallows in the hot chocolate that we had begged off of Joanna's mom, getting our fingers impossibly sticky. We never really drank it, though, because none of us really liked hot chocolate anyway. It was just expected of us. Now, everybody lives within a 10-mile instead of 10-yard radius and snow days are no longer days for childish fun. The last few snow days I can remember I have spent with my little sister, playing with my long-forgotten American Girl doll, pursuing messy art "experiments" and taking naps on the couch...It would be great to have a portable friend who you could just pull out of a box and play Pacheesi with.
I woke up this morning with a clear head for the first time in almost a week, and now I am in the best mood. Feeling really crappy really makes you appreciate being healthy and energetic....I think I will bake cookies today!

Well, what a crock this is! grrr...I hate being sick. Things have definitely gotten much worse since Saturday. My temperature is pretty steady at 102, and it only took me 1/2 an hour to make it to the computer! Sorry, I don't mean to be that negative. On a happier note, when the tylenol set in on Saturday night, I got a phone call from Alex Dillon, my college guy from Chicago! YAY! It was my first date since I broke up with Kelly. It was all very romantic, and the fact that he's 3 years older than me didn't phase us in the least. I told him I was sick, but I don't think he cared. Or at least he acted like he didn't care....Oh dear, I hope I didn't get him sick. But He's in Chicago again....Gone and left me until I come and visit Northwestern, which is about 3 miles from his college. Other good news: I called Eric today. Once again, he awed me with his conversational skills over the phone....and I don't mean that sarcastically. My cover for calling him was to ostensably get the french homework, of which there was none...The one day I'm gone from school sick in the WHOLE YEAR, and we have a sub. ooooh, that's bad for business, Stan! Anyway, I won't be in school tomorrow either, so enjoy your classes and if you think of it, give me a call (481-9877)! I have been isolated in the same 100-square-foot area of my house, with my mother, for the last 2 days...If I have to list ONE MORE ebay item today......!!!! ( negative again. my fault. sorry.) I miss you all and I promise I will be back in school as soon as I won't hack my flu all over you!

blechk. I sound like Westphal. I'm sick and hacking occasionally and it's no fun at all. And of course I get sick on Friday night. grrr. I need hot soup and I have no energy to get it. blechk. and all of the cookies are gone! Hmm.
Well, on a better note, you'll never guess who just spontaneously showed up @ our very own Shawnee Mission Wonderful yesterday....Nick from Rockhurst! He recognized me before I recognized him and broke away from his circle of friends (incl. David Sanders and Dylan. HA! I'm friends with your friends, you stinky greater-than-thou boys!) and ran right up to give me a huge hug! It was warm and fuzzy to see him again. But of course, now I can't go do anything with him because I'm sick..... Oh well. Maybe I'll ask HIM to WPA...
I'm at a loss trying to figure out who to ask, or if I should ask anyone at all.....
Well, I'm going to go slip into a feverish trance on the couch watching cartoons.

I cannot believe that Winter Break is almost over! Incredible. It's been one of those weeks where everything's a blur, and for once you actually want the world to slow down so that you can enjoy it. You do know what I mean, right? I could be way off base there, who knows. I am ready for school to start again. Well, to see everybody again....the classes...eh, I could do without them. When I'm President of The World, everyone will learn by osmosis (book-pillows, you know) and school will be a mandatory social gathering place. It would be exacly like it is now, except with a different purpose. Each class would be supervised by a teacher who just had to sit back and play solitare or something, and all of the students would be students of humanity, whose only job was to learn about each other. How fun would that be? And it would have to be mandatory, or else all of those stinky boys wouldn't come. And that wouldn't be a whole lot of fun now, would it? And of course, one class out of every day would be (what's the opposite of co-ed?) mono-ed, to allow for girl talk and male bonding. Sorry I'm rambling. I've just been thinking about and developing that particular fantasy for a while now.
Speaking of fantasy, I called Eric the other day. He was surprisingly charismatic over the phone. I only planned on it being around a 3-minute phone call, but we ended up talking for around 10 minutes. And you guys know Eric....pretty taciturn fellow. Well, now imagine talking to him on the phone. I expected it to be a one-sided, 3-minute phone call. But it wasn't! He had things to say! The only problem is that nothing came out of the phone call except idle chatter. I asked him if he still needed help with his Metallica DVD, and he said yes, but that he found something online to try. I asked him to call me if that didn't work......but I'll bet all of my Christmas candy that I won't hear from darling green bean until lunch on January 2nd. Oh well. This is kind of embarassing, but I dreamed about him last night. I was so happy because we had finally admitted that we really liked each other. It wasn't dirty or anything, just really, really happy and very sweet. Like rock candy and Honey sticks. Have you ever had honey sticks? they're really good, but have a glass of water handy, because boy, are they SWEET!

I'm rambling again. Sorry.

One more thing: Just so's you know, I love to hear my phone ring, so if you ever feel like it, please call me. I would feel very loved. 481-9877. Ta.

Merry Christmas and Happy non-denominational holiday wishes!
Now that school is out for a while, I am convinced that the world is a beautiful place more than ever!!! Rightfully so, too, for I have much to be thankful for....
On the last day of school, I was very upset about not seeing Eric (aka the Hairless Wonder) for almost two weeeks, but I felt like I shouldn't ask him to call me or anything because that might upset our precarious position with each other, plus he'd probably forget anyway. Leave it to darling Green Bean to fix that though! Maybe I'm making too much of this, but Eric asked me to come over and help him with this "computer problem" he has and needs me to fix....something really easy with a DVD rom....I know I can do it, the trick is just making it last long enough....
This is really pathetic. JUST PATHETIC! I have never, never in my life gone so topsy-turvy over a boy that I can't even talk softly into his ear about it! Why Eric? Why now? I just don't understand. Sure, he's really cute, and he feigns innocence, and I know that he takes in WAY more than he lets on, and he has that spectacular body....but let's face it, he's really shy! Since when have I gone for shy guys before now? I wish I was bold enough (I can't believe I'm not bold enough) to just DO something about it. It's pretty obvious that he's too shy to do anything about it, so that leaves me getting up the courage to (ruin our friendship with romance?) tell him how I really feel. And I just found out that Nick Jackson used to be Eric's best friend in middle school.....oh great..... ;)
Nattering Naybobs Of Negativism!
But things are definitely way better than bad overall! For Christmas today, I got (yay!!) a cell phone, and I am begging you all to call me (PLEEEEASE!) because I have spent all day adding your names to my directory and you each have your own unique ring so I will know who is calling before I even see the Caller ID! Just in case you do have the inclination to call, the number is (913) 481-9877. OTHER THINGS THAT ARE SPLENDID:
I got a lot of british comedy for Christmas
My feet are warm
I got a facial, massage, and haircut (it's really short!) at Bijin an hour after school let out for break
I have chocolate and friends across the country
I'm not grounded
I won a big scolarship
I am falling in love with a large number of people (not necessarily romantically)
I just realized yesterday that Kansas City is my home now. I have not felt like I have lived in a place I call home for over 3 years.
The new semester starts in January, and I have a clean slate in all of my classes
I can be really weird and people don't get too frightened and mostly just laugh and join me (which may not make a lot of sense, but basically it means that I'm not trying to be someone I'm not and for once I'm ok with that)
The Gangs Of New York is my new favorite movie (go see it!!! I'll come with you if you want me to! I'd love to see it again!)
I'm dreaming again after a month and a half of not dreaming at all. And in color, no less
Oh, I love you all! I love the world! yay...
Opportunity knocks, I have to go join the rest of my family for dessert now. Merry Christmas!

You guys, I just found the greatest site! www.googlism.com You type in your name and googlismas tells you what the web thinks of you. You must all try it. Here is a selected part of my googlism:
teichmann is the antithesis of many high
teichmann is completely correct
teichmann is not the only person who has contributed to the revival of newport rugby club
teichmann is class
teichmann is clearly relishing
teichmann is dan 's avonds de taak om in het licht van het scholingsaspect handvatten aan te reiken op basis van het gehoorde
teichmann is combined with the ultra
teichmann is an interesting addition to the field
teichmann is a check stub signed in late january 1939
teichmann is scratched from the reserves list and the world's finest scrum half
teichmann is suffering from a nasty allergy
teichmann is the most over
teichmann is top
teichmann is smart choice
teichmann is a truly amazing poet
teichmann is content
teichmann is more reticent and understated
teichmann is on the left
teichmann is a world
teichmann is set to return to south africa
teichmann is beginning to make his mark for the texans
teichmann is a business administration major who speaks fluent portuguese and spanish

heidi is
heidi is a headcase
heidi is completely crazy
heidi is all my life and all my world
heidi is your overlords
heidi is our front desk / dental assistant person and a big asset to our team
heidi is cool 4/23/2002
heidi is not welcome
heidi is true to her name
heidi is dead
heidi is your
heidi is our front desk
heidi is cool
heidi is hot
heidi is honored in the year 2001
heidi is ok
heidi is an accredited tutor and travels anywhere to meet the demand for sugar skills
heidi is traveling with her aunt dete to the swiss alps to live with her grandfather
heidi is still homeless???
heidi is very homesick
heidi is a headcase
heidi is taken
heidi is the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet
heidi is the pastorale of anime
heidi is a hydra
heidi is in front of the trees trying to make fog move a little
heidi is wearing borrowed shorts

Which "Sex And The City" character are you? (a little random, I know, but fun none the less)
	Charlotte
	Carrie
	Samantha
	Miranda
	I haven't seen the show, but I have realized the error of my ways and will go watch it NOW.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Let's hear it for being responsible. hurrah.
Actually, I am very happy. I just made my first date in 3 months with Nick Jackson from Rockhurst. We're going ice skating! I haven't seen him since MORP, so things might be kinda weird at first, but I feel confident in our collective flirtablity. I got a tip from his friend Rowena, a sophomore at East, that he likes ice skating, so I IMed him the invitation and he accepted! YAY!

Hmmm.

The strange thing is that I'm not gettting any of that jellyfish-in-the-tummy excitement going on. Just a nice, logical satisfaction about doing something right. Judging from the rest of my crushes, you can kindof tell that I'm not really into responsible relationships. Not that with Kelly it was fast and furious, but there was a sense of scandal in that it was hardly 10% emotional and he was 2 years older than me. But Nick is cute, not a bit scanadlous, and quite annoyingly innocent. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you guys for your (ahem) unique questions. Lol, those are the best kind! So here are my 100 % honest answers:

Do you think less of people who don't have boyfriends?
-- No, in fact I envy those of you who have never had boyfriends. When I was like that, I was perfectly happy just flirting and enjoying boys' company. Now that I know what I could have and suddenly don't have it, it makes me sad. So I do not think less of you at all. I just envy you.

Are you really afraid of commitment, or do you just say that because you're afraid you won't find someone worth commiting to?
--yes. I am afraid that I will never be satisfied with any one male. I really don't. I mean my track record isn't that great, is it? I wasn't faithful to Kelly for more than 3 weeks at a time....

What's your favorite thing to think about, other than guys?
--Food, friends, clothes, whipped cream, music, Pierce Brosnan (oops that's a guy), and philosophy.

Do You like animal crackers?
--I only like playing with them. They're too dry to eat unless you're starving.

Does raw meat gross you out?
--Not at all. I am a full-blodded carnivore, and raw meat just makes me hungry. And I used to play this weird game when I was little where my friend Claire and I would be lions or tigers or Ocelots and we would eat roast beef and pastrami and pretend it was raw meat. So now, besides making me hungry, raw meat makes me feel like an Ocelot.

Would you rather be a fake or a real Christmas tree?
--Real. They smell pine-y fresh. Unless I could be a silver fake tree. Then it's a toss-up.

Do you love ice skating just oh so much?
--YES!!! I think that that would be one of the most perfect dates: Ice skating at a swanky rink somewhere surrounded by the city, lights ablaze, and he would caath me when I fell, and we would laugh heartily and watch our breath condense into little puffs of laughter. And then we would go sip hot mochas at some little downtown cafe, and I would admire the way his cheeks were glowing from the cold....and then we would curl up together by the fire.....mmmmm......

Do you think that the style in which a person flirts can limit whose attracted to them? Or is flirting is flirting is flirting?
--Well, I tailor my flirting techniques to each individual male target. So kindof both.

What would you do if you got him? You can't take him anywhere, you know. The manners of a musk ox (LOL!!). But so very cute. Okay, you could take him places. Just not to tea with the queen--that belching!
--Mmmmm. Lots of things. but actually, other than that, i donno. Ths is a really hard question, and I think I just realized that I really don't think he would be very good boyfriend material. That makes two who would fall under that category: him and The Hairless Wonder. arg. But I still want them both.

Which is worse, having no guy friends, or no Boyfriends?
--no guy friends, hands down. I have so much fun with my guy friends! They never fail to amuse me and also want to scold them. And they are so adorable just for the sake of being purely adorable! Plus, you can ask them about guy problems, and they have really good answers. And if worse comes to worse, you can always turn them into boyfriends. Very messy business though.

What's the worst smell in the world in your opinion, besides human waste?
--Actually, I don't think human waste is all that bad. But swiss cheese! UGH! and rotten eggs, too, but I'm not in the habit of smelling bad things, so I'm not really the definitive source on these things.

Which hot dog condiment would you be, and why?
--does whipped cream count? I eat that on everything. So whipped cream. Because I like to be creamy and frothy and melt-in-your-mouth good. But not in that way....

Stand-up bass or electric?
--Honestly, I don't think I've seen enough bass in my life to know the difference. But whatever the jazz musicians play.

Why is 'glockenspiel' called such?
--it's german. For glock with spiel. Glock being some kind of blue goo, and spiel being a sales pitch given by some huckster at the state fair. If you stand and listen to the guy, you will have to buy some of his glock.

Did you know the word 'mouse' is scandinavian slang for the vagina and saying it loudly in public in that country could potentially get you in jail?
--mice don't even remotely resemble.....um.....no, I didn't. Where is Scandinavia, anyhow?

Did you know I speak swahili?
--no i did not, asantisana! Did you know that I am capable of not speaking at all? (really, I swear!!)

TUESDAY!
How can you guys not know who the hairless wonder is?!?! I'm sorry, but I hang out w/ him all the time. hairles wonder is exactly the opposite if you didn't catch my meaning....sorry, I'm just very frustrated this morning. Lots of stuff is going on, and all at the same time. I am double booked for every night this weekend, and all I really want to do is sit at home and watch Alias reruns and do my laundry. Plus, ARRRG! Finals are next week! Sooo scary. Ooh. The purple Guffaw just strolled in. He's doing homework....I need an excuse to talk to him......hmmmmm. Although I don't know if he deserves it. He's not wearing a cool T-shirt today. It's just his green one that he wears every other day...But he's all alone! (break into shrek donkey song) You know what happened to me last night? I had this dream, and in it I was totally comfortable being single. And not just single and blissfully ignorant, like I was before Kelly, but single and not jealous of all of the couples who "Swear! We were only holding hands!" Goddamit. now some cheerleader just sat down at his table and is making him laugh. He's not alone anymore.....damndamndamndamn. If only dreams came true. I would much rather not have a relationship and be comfortable with it than have a boyfriend and have to deal with losing him again. That sucks.
I've found that I'm becoming very possessive of MY art rooms. Yesterday, we were innundated (ooh big word) with studco kids (about 20) trying to paint this box......18 of them were milling around, making a mess, and two were painting the box. They kept asking me questions like, "is this Yellow?" and, "can I mix oil with acryllic?" nononononono! Leave my homme alone! ALthough they Were the best people. Especially WIll. Will is always nice to me and I like that. So are Rob and Arup. And it kind of made me feel important because I knew where the gel medium was and they didn't. Sorry I'm rambling.....there's not much else to write. I KNOW! zuzu, Annie, will you guys write me a comment that's a list of random questions that you want me to answer? Anything at all. Relevant, personal, or not. yay! Project!

Since finals are coming up, I have o limit my attentions. help me pick....WHICH BOY?!?!?
	Vampire Boy (let's talk about sex baby....)
	Sandy (600 miles away! all emotional....grrrr....)
	The Purple Guffaw (cute but oblivious)
	The Hairless[full] Wonder (even cuter and even more oblivious)
	Nick Jackson from Rockhurst (best relationship potential, cute, but hangs w/ sophomores)
	Lake Wooten (a.k.a. Lake 'swoon-ton')
	Am I forgetting someone special? (a.k.a. leave me a comment)
Free polls from Pollhost.com

I am 16, and I have just realized that I have a lot to learn. My week has been interesting at best and trecherous at worst. After our starry starry night, Vampire boy didn't even sit next to me on the bus on the way back. I got really pissed off that he was completely ignoring me and decided that to get him back, (brilliant idea) I would ignore HIM!
HA! So THERE! But of course, it didn't work as he was already oblivious to my existance. So the only development in this disfunctional relationship came a few days ago, when I saw him for the first time since YIG. It was in the lunchroom where he was colecting trash as pat of the "I Will" campaign, and Susan was the one who alerted me to his presence. I went to go "throw something away," and I had already tossed my trash in the big can before I realized that he was holding out his bag to take my trash. Very embarrassing. So in our romantic conversation over a trashbag, I very bluntly told him exactly what he wanted to hear. I lied. I said that I wasn't ready for a relationship, that I was a commitment phobic, but that I would love it if he would call me from time to time and we could "get together" again. To quote from Bridget Jones, WHAT EMOTIONAL FUCKWITTAGE!!!! Sigh. But those eyes......

BEAMING BEAMING BEAMING OH YES BEAMING
lalalalalala! good times at YIG! actually, SPLENDIFEROUS times! ahh. I have so much to say, where shall I begin?? (at the begining, you dolt) Did I tell you before how much I enjoy a good project? Do you remember my current project? (aka, Vampire Boy) Well, as much as I love a good project, I love winning even more. And that's what this weekend was about! I'm sorry I'm gloating to you guys........but then again, maybe I'm not. I think I'm entitled to gloat here. So here are the juicy details:
When we last left Heidi, she was riding home with Joe in his BMW. Now we join her on the bus on the way to Topeka....
I think I said before that Joe told me to save the seat next to me on the bus for him, and that is just what I did. He & I got to know each other a little bit better on the 1.5 hour drive up there (no, NOT like that. Yet.). We pulled up to the crappiest hotel in Topeka, the Capital Center Inn, and got our room assignments right away. I was rooming with the sweetest girl, Mary Sprouse. I had never met her before, but she & I hit it off right away. Insert boring details here, and fast forward to the good part. At about 5:30 pm on Sunday, everyone arrived back at the hotel from a grueling day of legislature, and boy oh boy were we ready to PAR-TAY! (hee hee) Mary and Vampire Boy (aka Joe for anyone who I'm confusing...) sat next to me during the banquet, and helped me write my speech for President O' The Senate. The speech that I had written was pretty dry and straightforward, so Kyle Meier and Raymond Mallory (and Kelly grrrr) wrote another speech, unbeknownst to me, that was less dry and much less straightforward. It was given spontaneously after I had given my normal speech by the aforementioned boys. Oh, and by the way, I'm probably still conversing in legal jargon so just make a motion and somebody second it to make me cease and desist, k? Anywho, the spontaneous speech was so wonderfully ramdom that I wrote it in a comment on this post, if anyone wants to read it. So after the banquet, I was getting kind of worried because now was the moment of truth, now was the time for me to ensnare Vampire Boy for the night! Things were not looking good until about 11 pm when Mary and I went back down to the dance floor that they had set up for the YIG banquet. Mary and I were already very hyper, having already recieved an infusion of sugar, and so we started dancing crazy....and you all know that I can't dance worth a damn. Except then. wow. at least in my mind, which at the time was probably not functioning at top capacity....
Anywho, it worked, because as we were dancing he asked me to join him in his rom in five or ten minutes. Actually, all he said was "room 422. 5 minutes." And then he left. I danced my victory dance for about 30 seconds, and then bolted for my room to make myself pretty. I could tell you the rest, but......well, let's just say it was a night to remember. (and don't worry, Annie, not fun to the point of being risky...)

Intermission

Person A : "Knock-knock."
Person B : "Who's there?"
Person A : "The Interrupting Cow."
Person B : "The Interrupting c....."
Person A : "Moo!"

Why does Chriss laugh like the purple McDonalds' Thing?
	Because he likes the purple McDonalds' Thing
	Because nobody ever told him he should not chortle, but guffaw when in pleasant company
	Becausse he sspellss hiss name Chriss
	Because he can, he wears cool T'Shirts to make up for it
Free polls from Pollhost.com

NEW THING!!!! I like polls, they sound like rolls, and rolls are yummy, so take my random and sporadic polls and we can all learn a little bit more about each other. And rolls.

Ha Ha susan I took that quiz and it was so funny! ha ha ha I'm still laughing, because when we studied this guy in history class, everybody said he sounded like me!!! Everyone who hasn't taken this quiz should. It's beaucoup amusement!

Which Founding Father Are You?

Sorry I haven't posted in forever. I've been struggling to do 1/2 a quarters' worth of work in a week, because (eek!) progress reports come out soon! AAAAAAH! WHY do they torture us with bad grades?? sure, I have a D in chemistry, but that's because it's against my morals to make bad teachers look good, and I have an A in basically every other class! Why can't they send THAT home?? Anywho, here it is: Last night was the last YIG meeting before the trip, which is Sunday. YAY!!!!! I called vampire boy to make sure he was coming, and saw Will in the hall and told him about the meeting. Really, that might seem a little like nagging, but NO! Because boys are completely oblivious to the world around them unless it runs up and yells "SEX!" right in their face. So I arrive fashonably leat to said YIG meeting, aka 4:15 when it started at 4...I walk in the room and the first person I see is staring straight at me: Kelly. Ugh. So I go and sit down between Joe and Will, and try to ignore him. It didn't really work, though, because I had a burning question to ask him: Why did he find it neccessary to run down the hall like a maniac after 6th hour yesterday with an 8 foot ficus tree?? (no joking, he did) It turn out that he was causing "general mayhem" in manner of Rowan Atkinson look-alike/mime with Tourettes. So then I had to make up for my breach of post-dating courtesy (i.e.-ignoring each other) by flirting unmercifully with Vampire Boy and Will. This worked very well, as Kelly kept trying to get my attention and I kept ignoring him and giving the other two boys looks and little tinkling laughs occasionally. I was (and still am) having a hard time deciding between Will and Vampire Boy....but then, unlike last time, Will blew out of the meeting w/o offering me a ride (!!!) and Vampire Boy did, so naturally I acted very gracious and accepted. ("oh, I couldn't possibly--are you SURE it's not too far out of your way? There's nothing you would rather do that drive with me?? well, in that case...") Nothing really happened on the way home. V.B. drives a BMW (yay) and listens to good music, aka not christian, gospel, oldies, or heavy heavy metal. As I got out of the car and thanked him for the ride, he said he called the seat next to me on the bus to YIG, and there was much rejoiceing. (sp?) So there is where I stand, poised like a lion, or ocelot (I like those better) for the kill. Meow.